John Sheda

It’s been a long, cruel, harsh winter but finally the golfers are out in a fury. The “old geezers” tee it up a couple of times a week, usually making fools of themselves, (ah, me included). The courses all look great and the fun times have once again commenced. Last week, a fellow golfer and I ventured to a 45 & older “duffers” tournament. I barely made the over 45 qualification but more than qualified for the “duffers’ part. The tournament wasn’t too bad at first. Everything went well with the signing in, the paying for the tournament and the chit-chat with all the other “duffers.” However the beginning of my problems started when it was time to tee off. Got the ball on the tee correctly, took a couple of beautiful practice swings, addressed the ball perfectly and then, (gulp) actually took my swing. It was now all down hill from there.

As the round went on, we forged, hacked, sliced, hooked, dribbled, etc., through eighteen holes and my ball seemed to be carrying on affairs with a number of trees. So many trees did I hit that they were thinking of getting up a petition against me, but thought the paper they’d use might be a relative. It was fun though. Heck, a bad day of golf is still better than a good day of work, right? However those pesty gnats were the main enemy we all faced. Everyone had their own special bottle of “gnat-destroying” home remedy but none was better than my horse-deer-raccoon urine-vanilla-Heinz 57-vinegar mixture. It didn’t really keep the gnats at bay but I did get the golf cart all to myself.

As long as were on golf, here are a few tid-bits I picked up over the winter:

Found out that a “gimme” is an agreement between 2 golfers that don’t putt very well.

Golf balls are much like eggs. They’re usually white, come by the dozen and you need fresh ones each week.

If you have a hard time meeting new people, just try picking up their golf ball.

The reason you’re supposed to keep your head down when hitting the ball is so you don’t see everyone else laughing.

If you hit the ball too far left, you just hit a “Nancy Pelosi,” and if you hit It too far right, it was a “Rush Limbaugh.”

90% of the game of golf is mental. The other10% is even more mental.

Ever wonder why the worse someone is, the more advice he will give.

Very important! If you hear someone yell “fore,” do NOT look up!!!

No matter what in the world caused you to hit a bad shot, everyone you’re playing with will automatically say,”You looked up.”

Ever notice that when you hit a really bad shot and your ball ends up on the wrong green, it’s always about two feet from the hole!

And also, did you ever notice that the ONLY time your ball bites on the green or even gets backspin is when your 30 feet short.

Finally, my professional advice to all golfers; If you’re not hardly ever playing well, go back and start at an earlier age.

Question for all golfers: If I came into the clubhouse after playing 18 holes and was asked how I did and I stated, “I didn’t do too badly, nothing to brag about but I did get an albatross.” What did I get? Not giving you the answer and don’t look it up.

That’s The Way I See It.

Let me know how your game is at jsheda@indytel.com or call me with your answer at 319-327-4640. Get on the course and enjoy the afternoon.