Michael D. Davis.

I was out and about this past weekend, and I met someone new. Now, this isn’t odd in itself as I do not know the world’s population over; however, the conversation that transpired is what was truly the oddity. In fact, it was one thing that the person said in particular that has stuck with me lo these many days. They said that we are all just brains imagining the world around us; nothing really exists.

This immediately struck me with a few problems. Firstly, if I am simply just a small pink booger of a brain, why does my big butt keep knocking items off tables as I walk around the house? I mean, with this little fact, I almost think we can stop right here. I proved that I am not just a brain because my big fat you-know-what knocked over the mustard bottle earlier. However, this is the point where some moron will pipe up and say, “Mike, maybe you are just a brain, and you IMAGINED your plump patootie throwing that condiment bottle across the room.” Well, my response to that is, just shut it. This is my column, leave me alone.

In fact, I have made a list. I will tell you right now five things I know for a fact are 100% real, and five that I know are imagined.

Let’s start with what I know is imaginary first, shall we?

1. The calorie free cookie that doesn’t taste like the callus on my foot.

2. The odds I will ever successfully communicate with a chicken in its own language.

3. That time I saw Marilyn Monroe wave at me from across the Walmart.

4. The thought of me owning a Cadillac hearse for everyday use.

5. The chance of me not getting up to pee in the middle of the night…every night.

Those five things I know are complete and utter fantasy. So, simply put, I feel like if I was just a brain imagining the world, those are at least five things that would be happening right now. But, as I am not driving around in a Cadillac hearse talking to a chicken and eating boxes full of calorie free cookies that don’t taste like fingernails, I think I’m real.

And to put the nail in the coffin, I know I have to be real, and not just a brain, because of these five things that are absolutely, no doubt, 110% real.

1. That chair I stubbed my toe on last night.

2. My underwear that never ceases to bunch up two steps outside of the house.

3. The mosquitos in summer.

4. The crow that defecates on my car daily.

5. That threat from that old lady.

Michael D. Davis, an STC graduate who lives in Toledo, is a correspondent and cartoonist for the Tama-Toledo News-Chronicle.