Michael D. Davis.

Anyone who watches TV with my Ma is more likely to kill her than if they weren’t watching TV. The reason for this is because my Ma constantly talks, riffs, jokes, and comments on whatever is on the screen. And the worst part is, over the years, I’ve started to develop this habit too.

Quiet is never an option while watching TV or a movie with my Ma, and there are three main types of comments she makes. Type one is anger, this usually occurs when a character annoys my Ma or the people in the show do something that moments earlier she yelled for them not to do.

Example, yesterday we watched the new movie “The Fall Guy.” In the movie, Emily Blunt and Ryan Gosling are a thing, then he breaks his back and pushes her away, then he comes back to try and win her back. Well, Emily Blunt annoyed Ma. She thought the second Gosling showed back up they should have gotten back together. The reasons for this that my Ma yelled at the TV were:

1. Emily Blunt should have known Gosling was pushing her away because he was hurt.

2. It’s Ryan Gosling. Apparently, that should have been enough of a reason for Emily Blunt to get back together with him.

Ma’s second type of comment is usually a joke. The example for this one is the 2016 film “The Light Between Oceans.” You may not remember this movie now, but it was a thing eight years ago.

Well, me, my Ma, and my sister go to the Wieting to see it. It’s towards the end of the picture, everything is very dramatic, big waves are hitting the lighthouse, and you could hear a pin drop in the theater due to the building tension of the film. My Ma leans over and whispers to me, “The sea was angry that day my friend.” A Seinfeld reference that made me laugh in the middle of a quiet theater watching a terribly dramatic moment.

The last type of comment my Ma makes during movies and television is just nonsensical. The example for this one took place tonight. We were watching “The X-Files,” a creepy dude was standing over a sleeping Agent Mulder. Creepy dude takes a finger and pushes it really hard into his cheek until it starts bleeding. My Ma said during this scene, and I quote, “If he’s trying to get a booger, he missed his nose by an inch.”

The thing is, I can’t say anything truly negative about this quality my Ma has because sadly I have it too. Even alone, neither of us I believe can sit through a program without jokes, comments, or general discussion.

My Father and Sister, the opposites, can watch a film without uttering a peep — it’s mystifying. Me on the other hand, also during “X-Files” tonight, says, “I got it, for Halloween, instead of Fox Mulder, I’ll go as Fat Mulder.” To which my Ma replied, “What does that make me? The Yeti?”