Sometimes the fates align like an eclipse making a single perfect, beautiful, once in a lifetime moment. When these things happen you have to appreciate them for their rarity, and for the sheer mind-tickling wonder that it is. To cut to the chase, it is my birthday this Friday, and my sister ...
Time is a construct. Time is a fallacy. Time is an idea created by man and put into practice so that you'd show up 20 minutes early to your doctor's appointment and wait in an uncomfortable chair next to an old lady with a death-rattle cough. Einstein said, "Time is relative," and there is no ...
Two weeks ago, I went to the gas station to get the paper. It was Sunday, and I wanted to do the crossword puzzle. You, as I did, probably assume this would be a rather innocuous, banal task; well, you assume wrong. My indecision between the Gazette and the Register had me purchasing both. I ...
The philosopher Bo Burnham once said, "Apathy's a tragedy, and boredom is a crime." That not only perfectly sums up this day and age as a whole, but also my Ma's feelings on the subject. Where my sister and I grew up with the luxuries of today's distractions, my Ma did not. Growing up, Ma ...
In my youth, I attended the annual carnival at the Lincoln Highway Bridge Festival. I couldn't ride the rides because of my tendency to vomit, so I played the games. However, I am not skilled at carnival games, and I lost so much money throwing old darts at limp, sagging, partially filled ...
To say my sister and I have the occasional fight is an understatement. To say that she's Muhammad Ali and I'm George Foreman, that could be a more accurate statement, but our rumble in the jungle is filled with quick-witted barbs and sarcastic comments. The ironic part is that usually we get ...
One of the things I want most from the bat cave is the bat phone. You know, the red emergency line phone; that would be cool. And, if I did have that, it would have rang last week. So, I was at home, it was Tuesday, I had just loaded my plate up with seconds from supper when my Ma's phone ...
So, it's spring. Flowers are blooming, and piles of random odds and ends are left out on the berm for a disgruntled city worker to pick up. Yeah, we threw a load of junk out there to be taken. We do every year. Somehow we always have some more random crap just lying around to throw into a ...
I don't remember the first time I rode a lawn mower. I don't remember the first time I drove a tractor. I don't remember the first time I drove a car. I'm sure I was too young for all three. But I do remember the first time I got pulled over because it happened last week. As a fat man who ...
Somewhere in the living room, there is a small wooden box marked with a label that reads "Mike's Balls." Years ago, I gathered together all of the hacky sacks, bouncy, and stress balls that I owned and put them in this box. Why? So that I could make that label. I said it before, and I'll say ...